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TQN: NO GOT TO GO NOW

EDL: HIMSELF WANTS US TO RUN THE KEY PERFORMANCE INDICATORS MATRIX ON ALL STAFF

BLG: HOW DO I KNOW HE IS NOT WITH US? MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE HIS EYES ARE SHUT, HIS FEET ARE ON THE DESK AND FROM HIS LOWER CRANIAL AREA THERE IS A SOUND OF DEEP AND CONTENTED SNORING.

TQN: TELL HER WE CAN’T DEAL WITH INDIVIDUAL CASES – THAT’S WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR IN OUR T&CS.

PLR: HE’S SAYING HE NEEDS TO HAVE ‘A COURAGEOUS CONVERSATION’ WITH ME. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

TQN: I THINK IT MEANS HE’S GOING TO FIRE YOU.

PLR: SOME NINNY WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE CAN COLLECT HER CHAIR MILES FROM THE OFFICE.

EDL: YOU CAN’T SAY THE BB WORD EVEN IN THE OFFICE.

PLR: WHAT ABOUT LANDS OF PERPETUAL ENLIGHTENMENT?

TQN: WHAT DO WE THINK ABOUT A TAX ON SUGARY DRINKS? I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT WE SAID LAST TIME.

LWH: HIGH, JUST TO SAY I WILL BE FILING LATER TODAY.

TQN: WHAT ARE YOU GIVING US THIS WEEK?

LWH: I AM MINDED TO WRITE A PIECE ABOUT BREXIT.

TQN: NICE ONE, HENRY. ANY PARTICULAR LINE ARE YOU TAKING?

LWH: VERY MUCH YES. I AM MAKING THE POINT THAT WHAT WE NEED IN THIS COUNTRY IS A PROPER DEBATE.

TQN: EXCELLENT! YOU CERTAINLY COME UP WITH THE GOODS, HENRY.

LWH: HOW DO WANT ME TO END IT?

TQN: YOU TELL ME. WHAT ABOUT ‘THIS MUST NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN AGAIN’?

EDL: I’M SEEING THE PROPRIETOR THIS AFTERNOON AND I NEED TO BE ABLE TO TELL HIM.

EDL: THE OPTICS ON THIS ONE ARE NOT GOOD FOR US.

TQN: YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THE SCOTCH HAS RUN OUT.

JRT: BUT IF YOU THINK THAT, THEN WHAT ABOUT THE STORY ON PAGE 21?

EDL: BECAUSE TC SEES THIS VERY MUCH AS HIS HALO PROJECT.

EDL: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T HAVE THE ANSWERS PRINTED UPSIDE DOWN AT THE FOOT OF THE PAGE?

TQN: IT’S AN INTERNET THING.

TQN: YES, AND TELL HIM WE DON’T WANT ANY MORE AUTHORS WRITING ABOUT WHAT THEY DID AT SOME DINGBAT LITERARY FESTIVAL.

PLR: WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

TQN: THEY ALL WANT TO DO IT. IT’S THE ONLY TIME THE POOR DEARS GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND IT’S ALWAYS EFFING BORING.

EDL: WHAT’S THAT APOLOGY DOING THERE? MAR 06. WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE APOLOGISING FOR? AS A GENERAL RULE ONE NEEDS TO APOLOGISE FOR SOMETHING.

TQN: LIKE HENRY’S COLUMN?

EDL: I’LL TELL HIM YOU SAID THAT.

EDL: OUR ESTEEMED PROPRIETOR WANTS US TO CHARGE PEOPLE TO PUBLISH READERS LETTERS.

TQN: GRIEF!

EDL: YES, TO ENHANCE OUR REVENUE STREAM

FEB 18

LWH: HIGH YOU WERE TRYING TO REACH ME?

TQN: YES, WHAT ARE YOU GIVING US THIS WEEK, HENRY?

LWH: I RATHER DETECT THAT BREXIT IS THE SUBJECT OF THE MOMENT.

TQN: AND WHAT MIGHT YOU SAY ABOUT THIS LITTLE-KNOWN CORNER OF THE POLITICAL AGENDA?

LWH: WELL I’VE HAD A BIT OF AN APERCU.

TQN: AND WHAT MIGHT THAT BE?

LWH: MY THINKING IS THAT IT IS PARAMOUNT THAT OUR GOVERNMENT SECURES THE BEST POSSIBLE DEAL.

TQN: GOOD ONE, HENRY. CAN’T WAIT.

EDL: WILL YOU PLEASE GET THAT ETHICAL POLICY EFFING SORTED.  AND WHAT DID YOU DECIDE ABOUT WHERE THE HELL WE STAND ON A TAX ON SUGARY DRINKS? WE NEED TO DO ANOTHER LEADER ABOUT IT.

PLR: LULU IS SAYING SHE WANTS CAROLINE’S BIRTHDAY DRINKS TO BE MOVED FROM THE BARCELONA BAR.

TQN: WHY? IT’S AN OKAY VENUE.

PLR: SHE THINKS IT HAS ‘A BIT OF A SLAVE TRADE VIBE GOING ON THERE’.

TQN: HOW COME?

PLR: PLANTER’S PUNCH ON THE COCKTAIL MENU.

TQN: GOD SAVE US. IS SHE OKAY WITH MINT JULEP?

EDL: W6FF5SKN FOR GOD’S SAKE CAN’T WE COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO PUT UNDER ETHICAL POLICY. WE’RE LOOKING LIKE BLOODY IDIOTS.

TQN: THESE YORK COLLEGE COVES R A CURIOUS LOT?

PLR: YUP. SOME SERIOUSLY OFF-COLOUR STUNTS.

TQN: OTHER STUFF LIKE THIS?

PLR: YES LIKE WHEN THEY RE-STAGED THAT OLD CAVALRY REGIMENT COMPETITION.

EDL: NO, THAT’LL JUST ALIENATE OUR YOUNGER READERS.

TQN: WE DON’T HAVE ANY YOUNGER READERS.

FOR CHRIST’S SAKE DON’T TELL ANYONE THAT. IT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE SAYING TO OUR ADVERTISERS.

PLR: EACH MAN HAS THREE HORSES, THREE BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE AND THREE WOMEN. HE HAS TO COVER A CROSS COUNTRY COURSE AND

SO OVER TO YOU CHUM. I’D JUST POINT OUT LULU WILL BE LIVID IF YOU SPIKE IT. SEE YOU IN A WEEK.

PLR: CONSUME THE CHAMPAGNE AND THE WOMEN BUT HE CAN DO THE NINE TASKS IN ANY ORDER.

BLIMEY! CAN WE DO THAT IN THE FOLLOW UP TO THE SNOWFLAKE BALL PIECE?

CERTAINLY NOT. I DIDN’T GO INTO JOURNALISM TO UPSET MY READERS.

TQN: YOU DIDN’T GO INTO JOURNALISM, YOU JUST ENDED UP IN IT.

OKAY, BUT WHAT’S THE ANSWER?

PLR: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, WHAT’S THE BEST ORDER TO DO THEM IN?

PLR: YOU’RE SICK.

EDL: NOT SURE THAT LIGAMENT IS QUITE LA MOT JUSTE.

IT WOULD WRONG FOR US TO DISADVANTAGE INTERNSHIP CANDIDATES JUST BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS HAPPEN TO BE RICH.

TQN: SHE IS SAYING THAT MADAM HAS THE PALELY POWDERED COMPLEXION OF AN EDINBURGH TEA ROOM BAP.

EDL: WELL I’D RATHER HE DIDN’T.

TQN: DON’T YOU MEAN LE MOT JUSTE?

EDL: CAN SOMEONE GET HOLD OF P? IT’S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR DAYS.

TQN: WHILE I’M AWAY COULD YOU GET KITTIE TO WRITE A SHORT PIECE FOR THE GENERATIONALLY CHALLENGED WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HARRY STILES CANNOT BECOME KING.

EDL: WE NEED TO GET A PASSIONATE IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

TQL: BUT HAS THE OFFENDING ITEM BEEN TAKEN DOWN?

PLR: WHY NOT GIVE IT TO KITTIE TO LOOK AFTER – SHE’S A SAFE PAIR OF TITS.

TQL: YOU NEED TO STOP EVEN THINKING LIKE THAT

TQN: WE MUST GET THE TERMINOLOGY RIGHT ON THIS ONE. IT’S THE OLDEST WORD IN THE WORLD SO WE AREN’T GOING TO BE ABLE TO CHANGE IT NOW. ACCORDING TO MY FRASER’S, ‘SEX WORKER’ IS ACCEPTABLE BUT IT APPLIES TO THE WHOLE INDUSTRY.

SO A PIMP IS A SEX WORKER?

EDL: OUR PROPRIETOR WANTS OUR HEARTS TO GO OUT TO SOMEONE.

TQN: LIKE WHO?

EDL: HE DIDN’T SAY. ANY IDEAS?

PLR: DO WE HAVE A HEART?

TQN: YES, OF COURSE. IT SAYS PROSTITUTE AND SEX WORKER ARE ANALOGOUS TO MINER AND PITMAN. ONE COVERS ANYONE WORKING AT A COAL MINE, MINER REFERS TO SPECIFICALLY THOSE WHO WORK UNDERGROUND.

TQN: WILL YOU TELL HIM THAT WHEN HE IS WRITING IN AN ECCLESIASTICAL CONTEXT IT’S ‘SMELLS AND BELLS’ NOT ‘BELLS AND WHISTLES’.

MARK CARNEY AND I ARE VERY MUCH IN AGREEMENT ON THIS ONE’

TQN: OF COURSE YOU ARE HENRY

PLR: SURELY ‘A PERSON OF SEX’ IS PREFERABLE TO ‘SEX WORKER’?

TQN: OH FUCK OFF AND JUST CHANGE IT!

TQN: JUST SAY WE CAN’T DEAL WITH INDIVIDUAL CASES – THAT’S WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR IN OUR T&CS.

THE FACT THAT I WEAR A BOW TIE IS MY OWN BUSINESS.

EDL: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE CAN WE GET SOME MORE EMOTICS INTO THE BISCUIT SHORTAGE PIECE, SOME GLOOP ABOUT ‘OUR HEARTS GOING OUT’ AND SO FORTH?

TQN: STEADY ON, EVEN OUR HEARTS DON’T GO OUT ABOUT BISCUITS.

EDL: OUR PROPRIETOR FEELS HE SHOULD RAISE HIS PROFILE. HE WANTS TO BE SEEN IN

PLR: SO WHAT DO WE EMPLOY TEKKIES FOR?

TQN: I SEE HENRY’S CUT TO THE CHASE AGAIN. WHY DO WE PRINT THIS CRAP?

EDL: HE TOLD ME HE WANTS US TO START GIVING AWAY FREE COPIES AT PLACES LIKE THE BELDON CLUB.

TQN: TELL HENRY THE WORD HE IS LOOKING FOR IS REGGAE NOT REGGIE.

PLR: YOU TELL HIM.

EDL: SOME PROLE HAS WRITTEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NHS PIECE.

TQN: GIVE HIS NAME TO THE APPROPRIATE AUTHORITIES.

IT’S JUST THIS SORT OF COMMENT THAT MAKES US LOOK SO VERY SOUTHERN. OKAY IT WAS A SLAVE PORT AND IT DID HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH GOVERNANCE AND CORRUPTION BUT ALL THAT IS IN THE PAST.

EDL: I SENSE THAT WE NEED TO BE WITH THE PEOPLE OUT THERE.

TQN: OUT THERE?

EDL: YES OUT THERE WITH HARD WORKING PEOPLE UP AND DOWN THE COUNTRY.

TQN: HARD WORKING FAMILIES SURELY?

EDL: YES, WITH THE HARD WORKING FAMILIES OUT THERE.

TQN: WHAT ABOUT ‘THE HARD WORKING FAMILIES UP AND DOWN OUT THERE?’

DON’T SEE US PULLING IN ANY ADS FROM THE FUNERAL COMMUNITY IF WE INSIST OF CALLING THEM DEATH WORKERS.

EDL: BUT HAVE WE TAKEN IT DOWN?

EDL: PL GET X TO DRAFT AN APOLOGY TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED PLACE. WE NEVER FOR ONE MOMENT INTENDED TO SUGGEST ETC. AND MAYBE SOMETHING ABOUT OUR WORDS BEING TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT’ SHOULD DO IT.

WHY DOES HENRY KEEP SAYING HIGH?

TQN: I THINK HE THINKS IT’S A COOL GREETING – SOMETHING TO DO WITH A HIGH FIVE.

SO WHO IS TAMSIN BONKING THEN?

TQN: WHAT DOES HE MEAN IT’S TASTELESS; HE’S ONLY MEANT TO READ THE ARTICLE, HE DOESN’T HAVE TO EAT IT.

WHAT DOES SHE MEAN ‘SCRAPE IT OUT’?

EDL: DO YOU THINK WE CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS STUFF ABOUT MERKEL?

NO SHE SAID SHE WANTS US TO SCOOP IT OUT.

EDL: I’M REALLY NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS BEFORE I GO TOMORROW NIGHT. SO UP TO YOU CHUM. I’D JUST POINT OUT HE WILL BE VERY PISSED OFF IF YOU SPIKE IT.

EDL: HE CANT HAVE A FULL LENGTH BY-LINE PICTURE. IN MY DAY WE HAD TO MAKE DO WITH

WE DON’T REALLY DO SCOOPS. PETE’S TELLING ME SHE MAYBE SAID SCOPE IT OUT.